Why I thought I needed to change and did

March 11, 2019

 

How often have you looked in the mirror and wished you could change? I mean whether it is your looks, your mindset or something else, we have all felt it right? Well I know I have. 

 

When I was younger I was really hung up on the way I looked, because some girls said things to me that were really hurtful about the way I looked. I was going through my teenage years hearing all these things about why other people thought I didn't look right or didn't fit in. It was hard! 

Fast forward seven years later and those words that they chanted and reminded me of every single day, were still filling my head with ridiculous thoughts. I believed that I would never be accepted for me and I needed to change. Not just change the way I thought or I projected myself but my actual physical body. 

 

Those hurtful words I had heard as a thirteen year old had stuck with me and I had decided I needed to change myself to become this new person, who would be accepted and who would be able to look in the mirror and love herself. So at the age of twenty, I booked myself an appointment to see a plastic surgeon. My partner at the time was really supportive and obviously did the 'you don't need to change yourself' moral support talk but the words he said, didn't sink as deep as the words I had heard all those years ago.

So the day came and we travelled to London and I got prepared to go under the knife. My partner felt so sick about the thought of it that he had a nose bleed and the nurses were fussing around him. My only concern at the time was me and I focused on my belief that this is what I needed to do to be beautiful, accepted and a new and improved version of me.

 

Now I can look back and I know how wrong I was and changing the way I looked wasn't going to make me happy, I needed to change the way I thought about myself in my mind. At the time this is what I believed would change my life.

 

I remember waking up from the anaesthetic and I was screaming, I remember feeling really panicked and disorientated. I didn't know where I was and the only way I can explain it is like on Casualty when you can see through a patients eyes and they have just woken up and can see the bright lights and fuzzy people standing around them. That was it and I was scared. I remember the nurse telling me I couldn't go back to my room until I calmed down and then I felt a tear trickle down my face and then they poured. I tried so hard to cry from inside and I could feel my chest going up and down as I tried to hold it in. 

 

Eventually, they wheeled me back to my room where my partner was waiting and that was the first time he saw my new nose! He asked me how I felt and I didn't respond because I just felt exhausted but inside, I still had this little buzz. I had done it, I had changed my life and this was the new me.

 

Over the coming days as my nose started to heal I rested up like the doctor had ordered and I was filled with excitement and couldn't wait to get the bandages off to see this new me. When the day came I just felt so proud walking out with my new nose and literally believing in every ounce of my body that this meant I would now be beautiful and happy. 

 

Do you know what, for a while it did. Do you know why? Because my mind knew that all those things the girls had said about me were no longer true because I had 'fixed' the problem. The real problem though was more about my own self-esteem and self-worth and this is something I didn't learn until many years later.

 

For me I wanted to share this story because as personal as it is to me, I want you ladies to realise you don't need to let anyone tell you that you need to change. Even the advertising in the new year that insinuates you need to lose weight, you don't! The only time you need to be a new version of you is when you want to, but you have to look inside and see if you are doing it in the right way and for the right reasons.

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